Satan has me at checkmate… he has me at checkmate in this ‘tumble’ that is my life.. a checkmate of seemingly dire consequences… it’s difficult to find a reason to speak…it’s difficult to find the wherewithal to move… it’s difficult to continue the writing of this post….it’s most difficult, near impossible to do anything that is ‘voluntary’.
It’s difficult to breathe…. I’m trying to figure out if breathing is voluntary or involuntary… I’m definitely not sure at this moment…. any type of relationship or communication with another person is near impossible in this state / this dark sky of trouble that has me in its grasp / has me with the consuming question of ‘why I am at all’… and my situation doesn’t stem from being unappreciative or not thankful for my very life… but involves the total misery of my failed life… and the falling short, and being a total disappointment to my creator…
I also don’t know if this will be my last /or one of my last posts…. and what is more troubling is… I don’t care…. and I guess the real reason that I’m bothering with this post, is to give interested people an insight into my / ‘a’ full-blown spiritual attack… I have experienced many attacks and many manifestations that have left me numb… which have left me in near checkmate… but somehow through the grace of God I have recovered… and I could recover from this… I’m not much into revealing my feelings, or even talking about feelings in general… but here is what this ‘feels’ like…”I feel like I’m experiencing all of the negative (+ love) emotions that a human can feel” / all of them at once / at the same time….love / hate / rage / fear / doubt / approaching death / hopelessness / loss / poverty /failure /etc… pressing me down with extreme exhausting weight… and is overwhelming to say the least…
I have little or no desire to watch any news programs… I have no desire to listen to the media hype and misinformation about the downfall of the United States… and their eagerness, willingness, burning desire, and enjoyment of presenting this information…( most of them, nearly all)… I feel it has made me mentally and physically sick… and I surely don’t have much fight left…. I would encourage others younger and stronger to persist in the fight for what’s right… but right now I’m a casualty…. to be quite honest, I could throw my TV and my phone out in the woods… they seem as a cancer to me… a relentless controlling cancer… reading is about all that I can handle right now… and I guess I’m better for it….
Words from the Melancholy Hamlet: How (weary), stale, flat and unprofitable, Seem to me all the uses of this world!…. the time is out of joint–O cursed spite, That ever I was born to set it right!
What [a] piece of work is a man, how noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, in form and moving, how express and admirable in action, how like an angel in apprehension, how like a god! the beauty of the world; the paragon of animals; and yet to me what is this quintessence of dust?…Act 2 Scene 2, Lines 303- 8.
Hamlet: There is a special providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be [now], ’tis not to come; if it be not to come, it [will] be now; if it be not now, yet it will come– the readiness is all….Hamlet ( Act 5, Scene 2, Lines 219-22