OR BETTER TITLED: THE DAY BETH ANN. WANTED TO TAKE A DUMP IN OUR PORCELAIN CONVENIENCE.
My Japanese wife, 14 year old son, and I live on a mountain. It’s a nice Mountain Home, with the Appalachian Trail virtually in our backyard. It’s a comfortable Mountain Home but we only have one bathroom.
Beth Ann, our one and only close neighbor knocked on the door one day. I answered the front door and greeted her properly. I say to her, “What brings you over here today Beth Ann, you know it’s kind of stifling hot out there.” She replied as she reached around and pulled her red rose pink flowery summer dress out of her hiney, and said, ” I know this is unusual, but may I use your bathroom my toilet is stopped up.” Fear began at my tailbone and shot up my spine like a fiery dart. You see Beth Ann weighs in at about 475 pounds. She was sweating profusely and smelt like a combination of sweat, dirty clothes, and cheap cologne. She smelt just like her husband, and I know he uses Brut aftershave.
Before I answered her, I think my pupils must had dilated. I began to think of her big behind sitting on my toilet. If just one of her cheeks was to slip through and get lodged in the toilet, she would be stuck there and I would have to call 911 to pry her out. Not only that, I feared that since we didn’t have a fan in the bathroom, the smell of her poop, sweat, dirty clothes, and aftershave would forever linger and waft up my nose, at any thought of her taking a dump in our bathroom. My nose would be in shock forever.
Thinking quickly, I lied to her and told her my son was taking a bath. She was very anxious and seemed like she couldn’t wait as she pivoted around and turned to leave. Upon taking her first step she made this monstrous fart that went right down my throat, and I threw up all over the front yard and passed out. I woke up in a minute or so with my wife standing over me, shaking me and asking me if I was alright. She said I was mumbling over and over again while shaking my head, “Permission denied, permission denied.”
Frankie The Earthman 